


Prince of Heart

by Immortalnite



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcoholic Roxy, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Sadstuck, Suicide, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 11:12:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5246162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortalnite/pseuds/Immortalnite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say a Prince of Heart breaks his heart twice. The first time, he is able to fix it, The second time, he can never quite fill the hole it leaves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The sky was smiling. Every book, movie, play, with their stylised deaths and somber funerals where the rain poured down like tears across the earth's face, was lying. Because Dirk was at a funeral now, and it was the most goddamned sunny day he'd seen in ages.

He stared at the coffin, shiny black with gold trim. He'd picked it out. He'd picked out the box that his best friend was going to lay in for eternity.

Roxy. His Roxy. Dead. He wasn't ever going to get texts in the middle of the night, spelling so bad the message was nearly indecipherable. He was never going to get calls in the middle of making one of his videos, asking for a password list of dirty words for some fucked up dictionary hack. He was never going to get psychoanalysed by Rose when he dragged Roxy back into her house, both drunk and stumbling enough to be a public hazard, at two in the morning. Roxy is, or was, his other half. And now she was gone, brain too mangled by alcohol for any medical procedure to ever salvage.

Dirk waited until everyone else had left or was leaving before he went up to say his piece to her. It wouldn't have felt right with an audience.

“You broke our promise. You told me you were getting better. But you weren't, and now it's too late. I'm alone, and I'm not really sure if I can do that. I know it was hard for you, I know you hated the pressure and the fear and the simple, unmitigated unreasonable hatred only you could feel and see from everyone. I know you loved me, more then I loved you. I know you hated that I couldn't love you back the way you wanted me to. But damnit, Ro Lal, you could have said something. You know I would have helped. Helped you like you helped me, with movie nights and hugs and no bloody rehab or crisis centers. Rose, Janey, Calli, we all would have helped. And now it's too late. I miss you. I miss you a lot. I'm always going to miss you. It's going to hurt everyday, right up until the day I join you.”

His face was dry under his shades, but he knew they wouldn't be as soon as he got home. He walked out to his car, body shaking from the effort of keeping himself together. He sat down in the driver's seat and stared out the window. His wrists twinged like they hadn't in years, the way they always did whenever he had felt like this. Usually, Roxy would be there for him to text, her typos and idioms familiar and calming for him, and he would have let walls of pink text glaze over his eyes until he felt better. But now, she was the cause of it.

Dirk pulled down his gloves, tossing them into the center console next to him. The gloves were black, fingerless and went down to his wrists. They had been a gift from Roxy after he'd done it the first time, because of the bullying. He ran his fingers over the thick matching scars on the inside of his wrists, the mottled pale skin that stretched grotesquely over those two areas. It was the weirdest sensation, because the scars themselves were actually numb. The doctors had called it superficial nerve damage. His vision began to cloud. He'd tried, so many times in high school, to kill himself, and she'd always stopped him. And the one time the roles were reversed, he hadn't been able to do the same.

He roughly wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and started his car. The old engine rumbled to life grudgingly and he pulled out of the parking lot. Every sound was muted to him, his ears clogged with the sound of his thoughts as he drove. He was barely aware of making it home, his body on disconnected autopilot as he parked his car and went up the stairs to his apartment. His two bedroom apartment that would now always be too-empty without the semi permanent presence of Roxy in his guest room. He wanted to go into that room, hoping it still smelled like her, but he didn't. He knew he'd already cleaned it out, back before the funeral and the grief had really set in, emptied it of her things and sprayed air freshener so that when the depression hit him full force, he wouldn't have to do those things.

So instead, he sat down on his couch and stared at his TV without turning it on. It felt like minutes to him, but he was vaguely aware of the shifting light outside that plainly said he'd been sitting for hours. His phone went off in his pocket once, and he shut it off without bothering to see who it was, tossing his shades off to the side as he did.

A knock on the door startled him and he briefly considered ignoring whoever it was. But he decided not to and rolled off the couch to go see who it was. The door opened to reveal the last person he had ever expected to see. Dirk stared for a moment at the person in front of him, taking in the messy black hair, slight overbite, crooked glasses and torn frayed t-shirt. Jake English.

“I heard about Roxy.” He said. Dirk blinked for a moment before he stepped aside to let the boy in. They sat across from each other on the couch.

“Where have you been?” Dirk's voice was a little scratchy from crying. Jake had been part of his group of friends in high school, the only kids who had never teased him about his unnatural eyes. Jake had been his closest friend, next to Roxy, and his first crush. And first love. Not that Jake had ever noticed, of course. And then, in the middle of their sophomore year, Jake had suddenly disappeared, gone across the pond with his grandma without so much as a word of warning. He was just there one day and gone the next, phone number disconnected and online accounts made inactive a week later. That was the second time Dirk had tried to kill himself.

“England, Ireland, Scotland, Greece, Eygpt, Italy, Spain and France. Moved to a new place every year. I was in Russia when I heard.” He said quietly. Dirk said nothing.

“Look, I- I'm sorry. I didn't know-”

“Didn't know what? That leaving would hurt us? That cutting us off completely so none of us contact you would be bad? Or that Roxy was alcoholic? That she was depressed enough to literally drink herself to death?” Dirk spat in a low voice. He knew it wasn't fair to Jake, that the other had only just gotten here, but he couldn't help himself. Years and years of hurt were dredging themselves up from the depths of his mind for him to throw at someone, just to get it out of his head. “Yeah, Jake, there's a lot that you didn't know. That's what happens when you disappear for nine years.”

The room was silent as Dirk wiped the tears off his face. Jake's face, older and more defined then Dirk remembered, but still the same face he had loved, was a gut-wrenching mixture of empathy, guilt and sadness.

“How long are you back for and where are you staying?” Dirk asked quietly.

Jake shrugged. “I don't know. I'm thinking about moving back permanently, I guess. And I was just going to find a motel or something after I visited you.”

Dirk nodded, feeling numb and empty inside. “I'm going to bed now. You can take the guest room if you want. It's where Dave's old room was.” He got up and left, shutting the door to his bedroom without waiting to see what Jake's choice would be. He already knew it, anyway. He already knew Jake would be gone in the morning, would just disappear without a word, just like last time.


	2. Chapter 2

Dirk woke up around noon and rolled out of his bed. It took a few moments for him to remember the previous day, but when he did, the knowledge hit him in the chest like a sledgehammer. He opened the door of his room and looked at his living room.

Clenching his hands hard enough that his nails bit into his palms, he went to look down at the parking lot below. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw Jake's dark green car sitting in the guest space next to his own car. He looked over at the door to the guest room, the closed door sending thrills of amazement through him. Jake had stayed!

He smiled and went to the kitchen, getting ready to make breakfast for two. He got down two plates, two glasses and threw some bread in the toaster. He opened the refrigerator, the small one under the cabinets that wasn't full of swords, and pulled out the eggs. He set a pan on the stove and reached for his apron.

His fingers froze when the brushed the fabric of the apron hanging off his oven door. It was the Rainbow Dash apron Roxy had gotten him for his graduation present. It was basically the perfect gift for him, ironic and MLP all rolled into one. He stared at it for a moment, pain hitting him in the gut.

The perfect gift, from the person who knew him the best.

From the person who's funeral he had been at yesterday.

The person who was now dead.

Dead, because he hadn't been able to recognise the signs and help her.

He heard Jake walk into the room behind him and pause, presumably at seeing Dirk's frozen form. Dirk wanted to turn and explain to Jake, but he couldn't move. He couldn't tear his eyes away from Rainbow Dash's smile.

Two arms went around his shoulders and turned his body so he was facing away from the stove. Jake dropped his hands down to rest on his lower back and pulled him close.

“It'll get easier. I promise.” He murmured in Dirk's ear.

“When? After I die?” Dirk snorted, his hands balling in Jake's shirt. “'Cause that won't be very long from now.” He dropped his tone, not intending for Jake to hear it, but he did.

Jake's arm tightened and he swore loudly. “Fuck!” He pulled away and held Dirk at arm's length. “Don't you fucking _dare_ , Strider! I made a promise, don't make me break it!” 

Dirk refused to meet Jake's eyes. “Made a promise to whom?”

"Roxy."

Dirk's eyes widened and now he did look up. “What?”

Jake sighed and shook his head. “She hacked me. I woke up one morning and there was an open chat application on my computer that I didn't remember installing. Once I figured out it was her, I apologised  and she told me to shut up.” 

Dirk laughed. That certainly sounded like Roxy. 

“We talked, caught up on stuff, reminisced about middle school together. She even gave me Janey's number, telling me to use it if there was ever a time where she didn't answer me. A few weeks later, she said she had something important to say. She told me some stuff, made me promise to take care of you if something bad happened. I was confused, but I promised. I mean, you were my best bud! Of course I'd help you. Then she clarified, said I needed to stop you from committing suicide if something bad happened.” Jake paused. 

“She didn't need to tell me it had happened before; I guessed. That night, when I said I was going to bed, she said 'Good-bye'. It was odd, because she never said good-bye or anything, just occasional little rhymes about bedbugs. But I didn't think anything of it. But when I got up the next day and pestered her, she didn't answer. I waited all day, but she never even came online. So I called Jane. And found out she had died.”

They were silent for a bit, Dirk not knowing what to think of it. He had been hoping that maybe Roxy had just accidentally drunk too much, not intending to die. But according to Jake, she'd been planning it for weeks. 

“It's not just my promise to Roxy.” Jake said suddenly. 

Dirk looked up. “Oh?” He said, too exhausted to put any emotion into his voice. 

Jake looked down at his feet. “See, Roxy told me about, um, your feelings, in high school. And, I kinda wish you'd told me? I would have liked to know it wasn't one-sided. Like, Dirk, you're not the easiest person to read and I suck at figuring out what people want anyway.” He paused and laughed nervously. “And clearly I'm the biggest douche ever, given that I totally missed that and then went and pulled my disappearing stunt, so I totally wouldn't blame you if you hated me now. If you do, I'll leave. After I make sure I can keep my promise to Roxy, I'll go and you'll never have to see me again. But if you maybe don't hate me and feel like you did when we were in school, like I still do now, I'll stay.” 

Jake paused and drew in a shaky breath, raising his eyes back up to meet Dirk's uncovered orange ones. “Either way, I swear I won't leave again until you tell me to.” 

Dirk stared.

And stared.

And stared.

“You-” He broke off and cleared his throat, voice suddenly thick. “You felt the same?”

Jake nodded. 

“And you left anyway?” 

Jake nodded again.

“ _Why?”_

Jake shrugged. “I didn't think you  lot would care so much. You and Jane and Roxy had known each other forever, I was just the new kid in 6 th grade that you befriended. I tried to impress you, always doing dumb shit like the time I jumped down the last fifteen stairs and broke my ankle.  But you never seemed to be impressed at all, so I gave up.”

Dirk ran a hand through his hair. “Of course I wasn't impressed with that, dumbass. I had to carry you to the office while you were moaning about your ankle. But why would you think we wouldn't care? New or not, you were part of our group. Part of my group. You three are the only reasons I only tried to kill myself twice. Without you guys, I probably would have listened to everyone else who told me I was a freak who didn't deserve to live. You were- are- important.” 

Jake smiled sadly. “But I was also the reason you tried twice instead of once.”

Dirk huffed. “Yeah, and you can shut the fuck up about that, English. I'm a dumb shit for loving you, you're a dumb shit for having left me.”

Jake's face lit up, his green eyes shining. Dirk raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“You said you love me.” Jake said.

Dirk opened his mouth, then closed it, a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“Well, yeah. I do. Still.”

Jake grinned and stepped closer to Dirk, pulling their bodies together again before leaning down and kissing him. It was soft, chaste, at first. Jake kissed him like he was going break.

Dirk pulled back and twisted his fingers in Jake's thick, dark hair. “I have waited. Nine. Years. For this. Kiss me like you fucking mean it.” He whispered.

Jake did. He licked at the inside of Dirk's mouth, sucked on his lower lip and pulled his hair, all of the self control he'd been showing earlier flying out the metaphorical window. His hands slipped under his shirt and he pulled it off, groaning a little when he realised Dirk had pierced his nipples at some point. Dirk grinned into his mouth, tugging Jake's shirt off too. Jake may not have had any piercings, but he definitely had muscle. Evidently, backpacking across Europe had done him some good.

Jake's hands slid down to Dirk's thighs and he picked the shorter boy up, leaning back a little to accommodate the new weight. Their erections met through their thin boxers and both of them groaned. Jake walked out to the living room, throwing Dirk down on the futon. Dirk looked up at him from half-lidded eyes, his boxers dipping low on his hips.

“You just going to watch or are you going to help?”

Jake growled and climbed onto the futon over Dirk. He kissed down the pale expanse of his neck, working his way down to his chest. Jake caught the metal ring of one of his nipple piercings with his teeth and tugged on it experimentally. Dirk arched his back off the bed, hands gripping his hair as moan tore itself from his lips.

Jake grinned and slipped his hands under the waistline of Dirk's orange boxers. He could feel his erection pressing against his stomach and he knew that he wasn't any better himself. Dirk lifted up his hips to help Jake get his boxers off and turned to rummage around in the drawer of the table next to the futon, finding a small bottle and tossing it at Jake. Jake raised an eyebrow at Dirk, silently asking why he kept lube in the living room.

Dirk shrugged and smirked. “Smuppets.”

Jake rolled his eyes, but didn't question it. He had learned long ago not to question the puppets or the smuppets.

Jake opened the bottle and coated his fingers while leaning down to kiss Dirk slowly. He hooked one of Dirk's legs over his hip, trailing his fingers down until the found his entrance. He slowly pressed one finger in, a dirty smirk coming to his face when it wasn't as tight a fit as he'd expected.

“Do this often, hmm?” He asked, pressing a second one in. Dirk attempted a smirk that was interrupted by moans as Jake quirked his fingers a little.

“Wouldn't you... ah... like to know.” Dirk managed to get out.

“Mmm, yeah, that's why I asked.” Jake added a third finger slowly, watching his face carefully for any signs of discomfort.

“Maybe.” Dirk said, pushing back a little bit.

Jake pulled his fingers out, picking the little bottle up and coating his dick in it. “Ever think about this while you did? About doing it.. . with me?”

“Yes.” Dirk breathed, the orange of his iris nearly swallowed up by his pupils.

Jake smiled and pushed in, fingers digging into Dirk's hipbones. He leant forward so their heads were close together. “Me too.”

He waited a moment until he felt Dirk relax a little before he started moving. He could tell there would be bruises in the morning on Dirk's hips and that sounded really good for some reason. He hooked Dirk's other leg over his hip and started thrusting, rough and hard. Dirk's nails scraped down his back and he felt teeth on his neck, biting and sucking marks on him.

Dirk was moaning in his ear, rocking back against him. His hair, usually gelled and styled to perfection, was messy and loose and splayed around his head. It was perfect, the inscrutable boy Jake had only been able to admire from afar, but never quite understand, now underneath him, totally wrecked and his emotions written across his face for Jake to read. Dirk's usual safety blanket, his shades, were somewhere around the apartment, probably in his room, and not on his face. He was trusting Jake with everything. Trusting Jake not to break him again. And Jake had absolutely no intention of letting anything hurt him ever again.

Jake could feel himself getting close, so he reached between their bodies, finger wrapping around the heated flesh of Dirk's dick. Despite the awkward angle and the erratic strokes, he felt Dirk tense around him and a drawn out moan from the blonde told him he had come. Jake felt himself reach the edge, then fall over, coming inside Dirk before he could pull out. He tried to apologise, but Dirk just pulled him down to the futon next to him and silenced him with a kiss.

Dirk was surprisingly cuddly, not that he minded at all. Dirk's back was warm against his chest and the steady rhythm of his breathing.

“Roxy totally set that up.” Jake huffed against the back of Dirk's neck.

“Mhmm. She's probably watching us up in heaven now, using us as unconsenting models for her gay wizard smut.”

They were quiet for a bit longer.

“Are you going to ask me to leave?” Jake asked. Dirk had never said what he wanted Jake to do. He hoped, of course, that Jake would want him to stay, but he might not. There was always a chance.

Dirk turned around so they were facing and looked him dead in the eye, his face serious. “I will hunt you down if you leave.”

Jake smiled and nodded, tucking his head under Dirk's chin. “Mmmkay. I can live with that. Can I have the spare bedroom, then?”

“No.”

“No?”

Dirk smirked. “You can share my bedroom. But yeah, you can have the guest bathroom. 'M not sharing mine.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “And here I thought you loved me, but you won't even share a bathroom with me.”

“The bathroom is a sacred place. It's like my mancave.” Dirk deadpanned.

Jake snorted. “Dude, that is one of the gayest things I've ever heard you say.”

“If you wanna start slapping arbitrary lables on shit, the way you were moaning my name a few minutes ago was the gayest thing I've ever heard you say.”

“...Shut up.”

“Love you too, babe.”

“Yeah, I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all welcome for my angsty fanfiction with poorly written smut as my excuse for venting my feelings about how my relationship with my best friend ended. I even added on the happy ending for Dirk that I didn't get. 
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> Comments?


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